It’s been a year today since God intervened in my life and allowed a really hard, surprising, and life changing event to bring disappointment, confusion, and new hope.
It’s weird when you don’t even remember the chaotic details but feel the lingering effects in the following days, months, and years. It’s weird when you think your fine, stronger, and brave enough to move on from this single event that changed so many things about life, but realize your smaller than that, weaker then that.
I’m not even sure how to adequately process the things that I am feeling as I look back on a beautiful and life changing journey; and have been surprisingly blindsided by having feelings at all. I remember counting the days after the accident, noting that it had been five days, then fifteen, then one month, and four. I’d wake up each morning with thoughts and questions flooding my heart and my mind, wonders of why God had allowed this to happen and overwhelming feelings of disappointment and discouragement. It was in this that I saw my need to choose to walk down the road of healing. This road demanded that I accept my brokenness and vulnerability and invite the Lord to walk by me and with me. It was beautiful and painful, and truly the most intimate time I’ve ever had with Jesus. These days of healing lead to less counting and less feelings of discouragement. These days of healing lead to renewed hope and identity.
The one year anniversary has come in a surprising way. I feel thankful for God’s overwhelming provision in my life, and humbled that He chose to spare me. I am remembering the great confirmation I felt from God, that He wants to use ME for something great, purpose I’m not always so sure I understand.
What I didn’t realize is the normalcy of also feeling something different. Alongside of my thankfulness, I have felt fear and angst, thinking and re-thinking about the events surrounding before and after the accident. I have gone to sleep thinking about the careless night before the accident, and the ‘God-centered’ hopes I had for my Junior Year, that were derailed and seemingly tossed out the window. I have feared another surprise, another accident, another life altering event. I feel weepy when I think about the time in the hospital, and all my friends and family members that went out of their way and across the country to show me that they loved me.
These last few days I have been flooded with these mixed emotions, and like I said, I’m not sure where they came from, or what to do with them. I’m thankful for them though, because as they cloud my mind and sidetrack me in my day, they remind me of the amazing God I have, who was not surprised by the circumstances and in so many ways used this really really difficult thing to change my life in amazing ways. Despite the pain that I experienced and the heartache that marked this journey, I am so incredibly thankful that God allowed this to be a part of my story.
"I call to God MOST High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me, He reaches down from heaven and saves me, challenging the one who tramples me. God sends His faithful love and truth." Psalm 57:2-3